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Do you know any Jokes? Cartoons? Funny Memes?


Gene C

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A BLONDE JOKE - THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE....
 
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers,  the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and  catch my
own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the
young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature
and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in
amazement as the blond struggled with the 'gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration .......
"Son-of-a-bitch!!            THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!" 
 

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Michigan Joke
 
Drinking with a Michigan Girl

 

A  Mexican, an Arab,

 

and a  Michigan girl are

 

in the same bar.  

When the  Mexican

 

finishes his beer,

 

he throws his glass

 

in the air, pulls out

 

his pistol, and shoots

 

the glass  to pieces.

 

He says, 'In Mexico ,

 

our glasses are so

 

cheap we don't  need

 

to drink with the same one twice.'

 

The  Arab, obviously

 

impressed by this,

 

drinks non-alcohol beer

 

(cuz he's a muslim!),

 

throws it into the

 

air, pulls out his

 

AK-47, and shoots

 

the glass to pieces.

 

He says, 'In the

 

Arab World, we have

 

so much sand to make

 

glasses that we don't

 

need to drink with

 

the same one twice either.'

 

The  Michigan  girl,

 

cool as a cucumber,

 

picks up her beer,

 

downs it in one gulp,  

 

throws the glass into

 

the air, whips out her

 

45, and shoots the  

 

Mexican and the Arab.

 

Catching her glass,

 

setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,

 

she says,

 

'In  Michigan , 

 

we have so many

 

illegal aliens that

 

we don't have to

 

drink with the  same ones twice.'   

 

God Bless Michigan










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A young man wanted to learn how to play the bass guitar, but he was broke. So he asked his father to help him pay for the lessons.
 
After the 1st week, his father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my first lesson, we learned all about the 'E' string." 
 
The 2nd week came around, and his father asked him what he had learned this time. The young man said, "This lesson, we learned about the 'A' string."
 
The 3rd week rolled around, and the father again checked his son's progress. He asked, "These are some expensive lessons I'm paying for. Tell me, what did you learn this week?"
 
The son replied, "Oh, I quit those lessons- I already got a gig." 
 
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The Captain was Jewish, and the First Officer was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He rather ignorantly said, "I don't like the Chinese." 

The F.O. replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?"

The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."

And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."

Another 30 minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer said, "I no like Jew."

The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic," said the F.O.

The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all the same"

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I flattened your cat

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

 

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like?"

 

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like this"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

 

"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?"

 

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed... Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.  At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world.  As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.''    Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''   

 

The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.  Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?''  God asks, ''What do you mean?''  ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:

 

1.  There's too much front end protrusion.

2.  It chatters way too much at high speeds. 

3.  Maintenance is extremely high.

4.  It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.

5.  It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.

6.  The rear end wobbles too much. 

7.  The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

8.  The headlights are usually too small.

9.  fuel consumption is outrageous. 

 

...just to name a few.''    ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.''  God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.  In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.  God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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Warning To Men
 
 
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
 

 
The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

 
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

 
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

 
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

 
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

 
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
 
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Life And A Can Of Beer
 

 

When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- -your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff".

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
 

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Paul Klipsch was walking down the street and saw Amar Bose on the other side.
 
Paul cupped his hands together, and yelled out "Hello!"
 
Amar turned to face the store front and yelled back, "Hello!"
 
To his dying day, Paul had no idea why Amar never said hello back.
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Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help  me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to 
his thick glasses and begs for 
a cure for his poor  eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man 
gains 20/20  vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

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Three Bad Ass Mice     

Three mice sit in a bar. The first one brags, "I am one bad ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of all of them."

 

The second one brags, "Well, I'm a bad ass mouse too. In my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed."

 

 

The third gets up and starts to leave. The other two mice both yell, "Hey chicken, where do you think you're going?"

 

 
The third one replies, "Going home to f**k the cat."
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St Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. 
 
"Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. 
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." 
 
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. 
Next!"
 
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." 
 
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" 
 
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." 
 
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
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A woman and man get into a car accident.  Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

 

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

 

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

 

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

 

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

 

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

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A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DOWNTOWN WELFARE OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS. 'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS?'
'YEP, THEY'RE ALL MINE,' THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, HAVING HEARD THAT QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE.
SHE SAYS, 'SIT DOWN TERRY.'
ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO FIND SEATS.
'WELL,' SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP.
I'LL NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES.'
''WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED TERRI."
IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS?
THEY'RE ALL NAMED TERRY?'
THEIR MOMMA REPLIED, 'WELL, YES - IT MAKES IT EASIER.
WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FOR SCHOOL , I YELL, TERRY!
AND WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL TERRY! AND THEY ALL COME A RUNNING.
AND IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL TERRY AND ALL OF THEM STOP.
IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING THEM ALL TERRY.'
THE SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS TENTATIVELY, 'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE BUNCH?'
'THEN I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it...

              I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

              I found the number and dialed it.

              A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

              I politely said,
              'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

              Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
              'Get the right f***ing number!'
              And the phone was slammed down on me.

              I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

              When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
              I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

              After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

              When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!'
              And hung up.

              I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
              And put it in my desk drawer.

              Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
              I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

              It always cheered me up.

              When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

              So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
              I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

              He yelled 'NO!'  And slammed down the phone.

              I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!'
              And hung up.

              One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

              Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

              I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

              I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

              A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial)
               I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

              I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

              He said, 'Yes, it is.'

              I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

              He said, 'Yes, I live at  34 Oaktree Blvd. , in  Fairfax
              It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'

              I asked, 'What's your name?'

              He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

              I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

              He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

              I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

              He said, 'Yes?'

              I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

              Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

              Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

              Then I came up with an idea...

              I called asshole #1.

              He said, 'Hello'

              I said, 'You're an asshole!'
              (But I didn't hang up.)

              He asked, 'Are you still there?'

              I said, 'Yeah!'

              He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

              I said, 'Make me.'

              He asked, 'Who are you?'

              I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

              He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

              I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

              He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
              And you had better start saying your prayers.'

              I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

              Then I called Asshole #2.

              He said, 'Hello?'

              I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

              He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

              I said, 'You'll what?'

              He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

              I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
              I'm coming over right now.'

              Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

              Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
              I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

              I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

              NOW I feel much better.

              Anger management really does work.
 
happy0009.gif
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Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
 
Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?"
 
Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."
 
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."
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  • 2 weeks later...

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. 

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" 

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

 
However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

 
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked,  "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" 

 

A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Community Admin

Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish and a lizard.  They are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

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  • Community Admin
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking, and it scared the crap out of me.
 
That's it, no more reading
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Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

 
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
 
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.
 
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
 
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water
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I used to deal with some folks from Quebec a few years ago, this joke made me laugh. face20.gif
 

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to

a neurosurgeon and asked "Is  there anything you can do to me that would

make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut

out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very

pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's

knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain,

the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was

terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as

the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was

conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there

was a ghastly accident.

Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of

your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

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