Do you know any jokes?

[Gene C 1692]

Just a little humor for those who like to tell jokes

 

Little Johnny joke...

 

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.  In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.  He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.  So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.  When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.  Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there.  So he went to the maid's room.  When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.  Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud,  "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

[Daddyjt 2832]

Teacher: "Today's word is urinate.  Who can use this word in a sentence?"

 

Johnny: "Urinate...  But if you had better tits, you'd be a ten!"

[Daddyjt 2832]

Where do you find a turtle with no arms or legs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Right where you left him!

[Retriever 893]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/divorcejokes.html

[Gene C 1692]

Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: Well, it's where your wife is on all fours, you are firmly
   ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you
   say to her: "This is the way your sister likes it too."
   You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle. 

 

 

 

 

                          

 

 

 

 

 

 

          

 

[Daddyjt 2832]

A guy walks into a bar... As he orders his drink, he notices that on the bar, in front of the guy next to him, is a tiny man playing the piano, and an Aladdin's lamp. He asks what is up with that, and the other guy says "rub the lamp and find out..."

 

So the guy rubs the lamp, and sure enough, out pops a genie. "I will grant you one wish", the genie says. The guy doesn't even hesitate, and says "I wish for a million bucks." Next thing he knows, the bar is packed, floor to ceiling, with ducks. They are everywhere - he asks the guy next to him "WTF?! Where did all these ducks come from?"

 

The other guy says "tell me about it - do you really think I wished for a 12" pianist??"

[Gene C 1692]

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats  shoots and leaves."!

[RichP714 1660]

Two women were sitting quietly on a park bench, minding their own business...

[Daddyjt 2832]

A guy is sitting in a restraunt when the waitress walks up and sets a plate in front of him, with a hamburger bun on it. She then pulls a hamburger patty out from under her armpit, and sets it on the bun. The guy says "what the hell is that?" The waitress replies "I was just keepin' it warm for ya."

 

The guy says "well cancel my hotdog...!"

[Gene C 1692]

Two women were sitting quietly on a park bench, minding their own business...

 

 Took me 4 seconds, it's been a long day.

[Gene C 1692]

Duck walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.

Next day, duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some  peanuts." Bartender replies, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts!" The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts!" Bartender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" So the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "Do you have any nails?" Bartender says, "Sorry, don't have nails." Duck asks, "Do you have any peanuts?"

Duck walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." Bartender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.

Next day, duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts." Bartender replies, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts!" The duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy  some peanuts!" Bartender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" So the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "Do you have any nails?" Bartender says, "Sorry, don't have nails." Duck asks, "Do you have any peanuts?" 

 

 

[Gene C 1692]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his
mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did  you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did  just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

[Daddyjt 2832]

Guy stands up in a bar and yells "All lawyers are a$$ holes."

 

Well dressed man in the back of the bar says "I take offense to that."

 

Guy says "Why, are you a lawyer?"

 

Well dressed man "No, I'm an a$$ hole!"

[Gene C 1692]

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

 

The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."

 

The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.

 

The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.

 

"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"

 

"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"

[PDR 1001]

A farmer is selling his hunting dog. Advertised as the best hunting dog ever.

A buyer comes over and the farmer gives a demonstration.

They take the dog to a wooded wet land, as they approach the water the farmer sends the

dog into the bush. A few minutes later the dog comes out and hits the ground 3 times with his paw.

The farmer looks at the fella and they walk into the bush, sure enough there are 3 ducks swimming in the pond.

The fella looks astonished. They walk a little farther and the farmer sends the dog into the bush again.

This time the dog is gone a little longer, but he returns and hits the ground with his paw 8 times. The farmer

and the fella walk into the bush, sure enough there are 8 ducks swimming in a pond.

"UNBELIEVABLE" the fella says, how much for the dog?....they strike a deal, and the dog goes home with

his new owner.

The next day the fella takes the dog hunting, he sends the dog into the bush. The dog is gone for quite a while, but

finally returns. To the horror of the new owner the dog runs around in circles, stops, starts humping his new

owners leg, stops, grabs a stick from the ground and shakes his head violently. The dog drops the stick and sits in front of the fella and wags his tail looking up for praise. The new owner is shocked..he sends the dog back into the bush one more time. He waits. Again, after some time the dog returns, runs around in circles, humps the fellas leg,

grabs a stick and shakes his head violently, then sits and looks up anticipating praise.

The fella is furious, he gathers the dog and heads for the farmers house. When they get there the fella demands his money back, saying he had been scammed. The farmer asks the fella what the dog did, the fella explains. Ran into the bush, returned, ran around in circles, humped his leg, then shook a stick!

The farmer smiled, looked at the fella and said " the dog is fine, you just dont understand. Hes trying to tell you

thats there more fuken ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!!" 

[TNRabbit 364]

 

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!

 

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger..

 

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

 

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

 

'Why?' asked the pilot.

 

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,

Is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[danowood 1331]

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

 

Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was

screwed. All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . .

. And thus, never made any friends.

 

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

 

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the

highest tower of the monastery

and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

 

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

 

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the

silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.

 

The moral to this is:

The

moral to this is:

'Don't screw around with things you don't

understand -- You could lose your ass.'

 

---- Congress is noted for screwing around with

things they don't understand - like the economy. That's why we are all losing our asses!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[maskinisten 45]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Gene C 1692]

 

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says, "Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks – I’m just looking around."

A Clever Dachshund

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I’m in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says…

"Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[Gene C 1692]

 

 

A young man was chopping wood when a piece flew off and put out his eye his father had no money so he carved him a new eye out of wood. About a month later the school dance came up. The young man dressed up and went, when he walked in the door he looked around. Everybody was dancing except for this one girl sitting off in the corner she weighed like 400 lbs. He thought to himself "gosh" I feel sorry for her, I believe I'll ask her to dance. He walked up and said would you like to dance? She jumped up and shouted "would I" "would I" the young man jumped back and shouted "Fatass"!! Fatass"!!

[TNRabbit 364]

That was great, Gene~

[Gene C 1692]

A redheaded man walks into a bar and sits next to another redheaded man. He orders a Guinness, and the 2nd redheaded man turns to him. "I'm guessing from that accent you're from Dublin?" he asks, in an Irish brogue. "Of course!" the 1st guy exclaims, "here, bartender, get this guy a Guinness, too." Their exchange continues:

1st: Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?
2nd: St. Catherine Street. And you?
1st: St. Catherine Street, same as you!
2nd: Here, bartender, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?
1st: St. Jospeh's Boy's Academy.
2nd: Son of a bitch, I went to St. Joe's too! Bartender, get this guy a Jameson!

This continues, and as they find they had the same teachers and knew the same neighborhood kids, they proceed to get louder and drunker until a guy at the other end of the bar asks the bartender, "What's up with those two?" The bartender shrugs and says, "It's the O'Shaughnessy twins, they're drunk again."

[madmike46 224]

A guy traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his

 identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home

but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed."I have a picture of Celine

Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and ShaniaTwain on the other."

"This I got to see," replied the agent.

 With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

 "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent."Have a safe trip back to

 Toronto "

 Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Toronto"?

 The agent replied,

 

 "I recognized Rob Ford in the middle." 

[Gene C 1692]

Job Application

 

A man from Newfoundland went into the fish market to apply for a job.

The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that lazy newf", so he decided to set a test for the Newfie hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

 

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Newfie says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Newfie says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss.

 

"Second question, same rules, but represent 99".

Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go bye," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Newfie answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

 

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the newf so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base

of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir -100."

The boss looks at Newfie's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."

He then tells Newfie, "Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps near the base of each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start me job?"

[TNRabbit 364]

LOL~

 

That joke could just as easily work with a Jamaican!