maytag 795 Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 What do you call an elf that sings? A rapper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itchitch 3,970 Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 FW: To my twisted friends> > > To my twisted friends> If this offends you,> take solace in the fact that you are supposedly mentally healthy. If it causes you to smile, you have some issues but you are in good company! > A seriously depressed, but attractive, woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying> to get up the nerve to jump. A passing hobo stops and says,> "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would> you mind if we had sex first?" > The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me you sicko!" > The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom." Now,this my kind of joke! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
compwaco 1,129 Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcl 3,159 Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
compwaco 1,129 Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weitrhino 1,425 Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
compwaco 1,129 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcl 3,159 Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddmaster 957 Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 Red Skelton's list for a good marriage: 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said… ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’ 8. She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’ 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. 12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chops 693 Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 An elderly lady is in an elevator headed to the ground floor. The elevator stops on the way down and a young woman gets on. The old woman sniffs a couple times and the young lady says "White Diamonds, it's very expensive..." The elevator goes a couple floors and stops again. Another young lady gets on and the old woman sniffs a couple of times. The young lady turns around and says "Chanel Number 5, I paid a lot for it..." The elevator finally reaches the ground floor. The old lady starts to step out of the elevator and farts. She stops, turns around and says "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound..." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danowood 2,167 Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4krow 5,059 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Man walks into a bar and gets a black eye. The day before he stepped on a rake and the same thing happened. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Community Admin AndrewJohn 8,146 Posted July 15, 2017 Community Admin Share Posted July 15, 2017 Yes, this is a joke..., Not suggesting any confusion on this one... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Community Admin AndrewJohn 8,146 Posted July 15, 2017 Community Admin Share Posted July 15, 2017 Man walks into a bar and gets a black eye. The day before he stepped on a rake and the same thing happened. (Reminds me of this one, my dad used to tell me when I was about 5 or 6 years old.) Man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee, I get a horrible pain in my eye." Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your cup, first." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodH 4,820 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Photobucket! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pindrop 330 Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 A woman walks by a pet shop that has a caged parrot out on the sidewalk. The parrot says to her "You sure are ugly". She turns and looks at the parrot in anger and walks away in a huff. The next day she walks by the caged parrot and it again says "You sure are ugly" and she gets really angry and goes in to the store and tells the owner what happened and that it better not happen again or he won't like what action she takes against him. He apologizes and tells her it won't happen again. The next day she again walks by the shop slowly expecting the bird to say the same thing but this time the bird see' s her and says "You know". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcl 3,159 Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnDC 1 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Cadillac and Honda decided to get together and build a luxury, compact SUV. So the "Escalade" engineers, and the "Element" engineers got together and designed a wonderful little SUV! Sales of the new "Excrement" were lackluster, however. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zumbini 6,138 Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 A young Jewish man walks into the lingerie department and tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B please." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said that you would know what she wanted." "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra." Confused and a little flustered the man asked, “So, what are the differences?" The saleslady responded, "It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright." He mused on that briefly and asked, "what does the Jewish bra do?" “Ah, the Jewish bra" she replied “makes mountains out of molehills.” 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carlton8000 100 Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 So my lover asked my why is my organ so small? I told here I did not know I was playing in a cathedral Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4krow 5,059 Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a shot of whisky... no wait make it ten double shots." Bartender pours the drinks, and the man starts downing them as fast as he can. "Might want to slow down a bit", says the bartender. "No. I need to finish these before the trouble starts." "What trouble?", asks the bartender. The man replies, "I ain't got no money." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddyjt 8,606 Posted April 30, 2018 Share Posted April 30, 2018 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sk1Bum 9,860 Posted April 30, 2018 Share Posted April 30, 2018 Man, I just saw where Caitlin Jenner is missing. I saw his/her picture on a Half & Half carton. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fluidcool 150 Posted April 30, 2018 Share Posted April 30, 2018 Have you heard of the new paint color Glidden just came out with ?? Its called "blonde" .. Not too bright but it spreads easy 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddyjt 8,606 Posted April 30, 2018 Share Posted April 30, 2018 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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