randog311 7,204 Posted November 22, 2018 Share Posted November 22, 2018 Light travels faster than sound... That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarciaFan 293 Posted November 23, 2018 Share Posted November 23, 2018 Guests lingering too long... ? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 25, 2018 Share Posted November 25, 2018 With the rise of Autonomous Vehicles, it's only a matter of time until There's a Country Song where the guys Truck leaves him to... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 It seems that the Road to success is always under construction... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 Is your Ass jealous of the crap that just came out of your Mouth???? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 They should "Build a Wall" with Hillary's E/Mails because "No one can get over them"... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 My E/Mail Password has been hacked... That's the third time i've had to rename the Cat... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 Photons have Mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic ... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarciaFan 293 Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted December 1, 2018 Share Posted December 1, 2018 Which Houston lasted longer under water? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted December 2, 2018 Share Posted December 2, 2018 Just discovered that letting the Cat out of the bag is way easier than getting it back in without looking any blood... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 The Worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is that when you get fired you still have to show up the next day... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zenith4me 1,386 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 High School - 1957 vs. 2018 Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2018 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2018 - Police called and the SWAT team arrives. They arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and are expelled even though Johnny started the fight. Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, and he disrupts other students. 1957 - Jeffrey is sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2018 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin and he becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman. 2018 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in foster care and then joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock. 2018 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 2018 - Pedro's cause is taken up by the state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway. Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant nest. 1957 - Ants die. 2018 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2018 - Mary is convicted of being a sexual predator, loses her job, and spends three years in a state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retriever 1,076 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted December 6, 2018 Share Posted December 6, 2018 Woman: I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is? Men are easy to scar... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sk1Bum 9,886 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 If chickens had evolved opposable thumbs, would they be saying, "it tastes like human...." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodH 4,820 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Maybe, but at least they could hitch-hike across the road! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_at_HHH 2,609 Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 15 hours ago, randog311 said: Woman: I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is? Men are easy to scar... Freudian slip? -----^^^^ ? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Support Bacteria... They're the only culture some people have... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted December 9, 2018 Share Posted December 9, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrummerJuice 1,278 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 In an effort to not offend anyone I thought I would just write some punchlines and you can PC up the content of the joke as to not offend others... bear in mind that these joked were originally very offensive to someone. ...it's the position of the dirt bag! ...a rose has the prick on the outside! ...Listen buddy, I just found this thing, I'm not a real welder! ...do you know how many (insert social group here) you need to kill to get an ounce of brain? ... you're not here for the hunting are you? ...did you hear about the two (insert social group here) that died of exposure? They took their convertible to the drive in to see "Closed for the Season" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted December 10, 2018 Share Posted December 10, 2018 (edited) 15 hours ago, DrummerJuice said: In an effort to not offend anyone I thought I would just write some punchlines and you can PC up the content of the joke as to not offend others... bear in mind that these joked were originally very offensive to someone. ...it's the position of the dirt bag! ...a rose has the prick on the outside! ...Listen buddy, I just found this thing, I'm not a real welder! ...do you know how many (insert social group here) you need to kill to get an ounce of brain? ... you're not here for the hunting are you? ...did you hear about the two (insert social group here) that died of exposure? They took their convertible to the drive in to see "Closed for the Season" Harley / Kirby (other Version with 2 dirt bags) Porsche / Porcupine Offend me, offend me 2 Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap The P C Police can Bite Me Your Carver Site Jester, randog311 Edited December 10, 2018 by randog311 Correction 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sk1Bum 9,886 Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 On 12/9/2018 at 11:07 PM, DrummerJuice said: Ghost Post Ten Million Battered ^=>*×÷ ... Yet I still prefer to eat mine Plain... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itchitch 3,988 Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 So... this baby seal walks in to a club.... (old but still a favorite to say) 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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