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Do you know any Jokes? Cartoons? Funny Memes?


Gene C

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I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

 

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by meself with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? FECK NO!" He slams his pint on the bar loudly, and points out the other window.

 

"Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by meself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Bridge Builder? FECK NO!" He slams his pint again.

 

"This very bar, I built it timber by timber with me bare hands but do they call me McGregor: The Bar Builder? FECK NO!" He slams his pint one last time and cradles his head in his hands.

 

"...but ye fuck ONE goat..."

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Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.

 

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

 

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

 

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

 

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

 

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

 

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

 

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

 

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

 

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.

 

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

 

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

 

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

 

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you get for five bucks!?"

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Broke my last snow shovel yesterday. That's 3 so far for the season. The joke is I'm trying to fix it with superglue. Can't find another shovel anywhere with snow coming this weekend.
Are you out of Duct Tape?
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in
Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." 

 

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, 
he had the right credentials.
The agent asked,  "What's your name?" 

 

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." 

 

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order 

to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to 
change your name." 

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian  name is
centuries old, 
I will not disrespect my grandfather by
changing my name. Not ever." 

 

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood  for years
...you will NEVER 
go far in Hollywood with a name like
Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will 
HAVE TO
change your name or I will not be able to represent you." 

 

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," 

 the guy said and he left the agent's office. 

 

FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent
to his office. 
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The  agent is awe-struck, 
who would possibly
send him $50,000? He reads the  letter enclosed... 

Dear Sir, 

  

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become
an actor in Hollywood , 
you told me I needed to change
my name. Determined to make it with my 

God-given birth name, I refused. 

 

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name
like Penis van Lesbian. 
After I left your office, I thought about
what you said I decided you were right. I had to change my
name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I
signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a
token of my appreciation. 

  

Thank you for your advice. 

  

Sincerely, 

Dick van Dyke

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The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not.
 
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
 
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
 
The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
 
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
 
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."
 
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?"
 
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"


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  • 2 weeks later...
   Here's an English lesson for the day!



"Complete" or "Finished"?

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was asked to make that very distinction.

The question by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.."
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Yes, in The Audio Critic No. 16 referenced  by LYMAN777 is his post. Vacuuming under cables,  wouldn't the  DarkField Suspension System solve this and so many other arcane nuisances? Even eliminating the morphic resonance fields of vacuum cleaners, dogs & children wreaking havoc on clarity, depth, and spatial information? Think
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One hot summer night in 1960, Steve had his first date with Susie.

 

He went to pick her up and her mom answered the door. She invited him in, and asked him what they planned to do on their date.

 

Steve replied that they’d probably see a movie then get a burger.

 

Susie’s mom said, “Well, Susie really likes to screw.”

 

Steve said, “Huh?”

 

Her mom said, “Yes, she loves it. She could probably screw all night.”

 

“Okay, thanks!” replied Steve, mentally rearranging his plans for the night.

 

A few minutes later Susie came downstairs and they left on their date.

 

About a half hour later Susie came running back in the house, her clothes disheveled, and yelled:

 

“Mom, it’s called the TWIST! The name of the goddamn dance is the TWIST!

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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"


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  True story: Last Saturday I went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. It was infected, and he told it might hurt a bit. "Here, take this blue pill," he said. "what that?" I replied. "It's so you won't remember a thing that happened during this procedure. Then he handed a white pill and said to take it too. I asked and why and he replied, "Oh, that's Viagra. I figure that your gonna need something to hold onto during the procedure.".....he was right, so I hear.

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