staticvar 56 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 A jazz guitar player has his daughter take him to see her favorite Metal band. He watches the guitar player tuning up. It takes him at least a half hour to tune up and then he delivers a great gig. Later, after the show, the fathers bumps into the metal guy and say's " That was a great show however, i was astonished it took you half and hour to tune up. I saw Andres Segovia years ago and it took him about thirty seconds to tune his guitar...The metal guy reply's.......Ya?...really? well some guy's just don't give a shit"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveMKentucky 70 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 A frog walks into a bank and approaches a lovely young lady teller. He notices that her name is Patty Black. The frog says "Patty, I'd like a loan for $50.00." Patty looks down at the frog and says "Mr. Frog, you'll need some collateral." At that point the frog produces a glass elephant and places it on the counter. Confused, Patty says "what's that?" The frog replies that it is his collateral. Patty says "excuse me, I'm going to need to consult with a loan officer. What did the loan officer say when he saw the glass elephant? He said "That's a nicknack Patty Black; give the frog a loan!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveMKentucky 70 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 A man walks into a corner cafe and orders a hotdog. He watches spellbound as the cafe employee carefully picks up a paper plate with a pair of tongs and then carefully adds a bun and hotdog with the tongs. He also notes that the employee is wearing a clean white smock and a hair net. The man smiles at the employee and says "Man you folks are really conscious of sanitation here. I noticed how you are dressed and how you carefully didn't touch any of the food." The employee smiles back and says "you have no idea how fanatical our boss is about cleanliness." Pulling back his smock he displays a small string protruding from the zipper of his pants. "See that string?" he says. "When I go to the bathroom I'm required to pull my gear out with that string. The boss forbids touching ourselves during bathroom breaks." "Wow" says the man. Suddenly a thought occurs to him and he asks "Say, that's pretty impressive but how do you get it back in?" The employee leans closer and in a whisper says "I don't know about the other fellows here, but I use these damned tongs!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staticvar 56 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 A horse walks into a bar...Bartender say's...Hey!...what's with the long face? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDR 1,192 Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
compwaco 1,129 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.” She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that… 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?” “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Ralph and I’m going to a Halloween party!” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danowood 2,167 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 A Boy from Arkansas A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him. So she has him shoot the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville , he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States , and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weitrhino 1,425 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Somehow I knew from the first line this would be an anti-Clinton joke. It went on too long just to hurl an insult. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LVMAN777 322 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Two men have been captured and thrown into the cannibal´s pot when one starts laughing. "What´s so funny?" the other asks. "I just peed in their soup." "just8guess" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcl 3,155 Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maytag 793 Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 How ist he Christmas alphabet different? There's no L Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maytag 793 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 couple of years old but may still apply... If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have NOTHING left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is todrink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B-Man 4,763 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Dear Abby, My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian - and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off! Should I clobber him with a baseball bat, or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be appreciated. -Mad as Hell Dear Mad as Hell, You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out A.S.A.P.! Don`t resort to clobbering him with the baseball bat and try to act like a lady! Remember....... you`re running for President of the United States, so try acting like one! -Abby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B-Man 4,763 Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and backpack wasn't what they had in mind. 2. After a night of drinking, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely. 3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD-40. 4. A teenage boy asked his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” Granny replies: “The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen??!!!!” 5. A wife gets naked and asks her hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Her hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” 6. A chap's wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. 7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 8. I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30. 9. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!” 10. I bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. 11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maytag 793 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I can be honest with my addiction councilor. I told him I do not do drugs. I do not do cocaine - I just like the smell of it…. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlie 16,429 Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danowood 2,167 Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital.Now that's stressful.But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.This is getting very stressful!You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're infertile, And probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed but relieved.On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home. Now that's STRESS! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maytag 793 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal and Arnold Schwarzenegger are planning to produce an action movie about great classical music composers. Jean-Claude Van Damme will play the part of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Steven Seagal will be playing Ludwig van Beethoven. Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach" 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peck555 366 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 :--D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dennismiller55 4,717 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Thanks, made me laugh...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weitrhino 1,425 Posted June 15, 2016 Share Posted June 15, 2016 .....and Pee Wee Herman was busy getting his Rachmaninoffs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcl 3,155 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fill35U 1,845 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Good thing Bob Mould, David Barbe, and Malcolm Travis would just dissolve... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcl 3,155 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Touché, Phil! ? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balok 1,382 Posted August 14, 2016 Share Posted August 14, 2016 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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