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      Engine Upgrade   04/19/18

      The website will be receiving a security and feature patch. But I didn't get to it yesterday, so stay tuned for reschedule.  
Gene C

Do you know any jokes?

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FW: To my twisted friends
>
>
> To my twisted friends
> If this offends you,
> take solace in the fact that you are supposedly mentally healthy. If it causes you to smile, you have some issues but you are in good company!
> A seriously depressed, but attractive, woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying
> to get up the nerve to jump. A passing hobo stops and says,
> "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would
> you mind if we had sex first?"
> The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me you sicko!"
> The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

 

Now,this my kind of joke!

 

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Red Skelton's list for a good marriage:
 

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said… ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’

8. She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’


 
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An elderly lady is in an elevator headed to the ground floor. The elevator stops on the way down and a young woman gets on. The old woman sniffs a couple times and the young lady says "White Diamonds, it's very expensive..."

 

The elevator goes a couple floors and stops again. Another young lady gets on and the old woman sniffs a couple of times. The young lady turns around and says "Chanel Number 5, I paid a lot for it..."

 

The elevator finally reaches the ground floor. The old lady starts to step out of the elevator and farts. She stops, turns around and says "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound..."

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Man walks into a bar and gets a black eye. The day before he stepped on a rake and the same thing happened.

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Man walks into a bar and gets a black eye. The day before he stepped on a rake and the same thing happened.

 
(Reminds me of this one, my dad used to tell me when I was about 5 or 6 years old.)
 
Man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee, I get a horrible pain in my eye."
 
Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your cup, first." 
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A woman walks by a pet shop that has a caged parrot out on the sidewalk. The parrot says to her "You sure are ugly". She turns and looks at the parrot in anger and walks away in a huff.
 
The next day she walks by the caged parrot and it again says "You sure are ugly" and she gets really angry and goes in to the store and tells the owner what happened and that it better not happen again or he won't like what action she takes against him. He apologizes and tells her it won't happen again.
 
 The next day she again walks by the shop slowly expecting the bird to say the same thing but this time the bird see' s her and says "You know". 
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Cadillac and Honda decided to get together and build a luxury, compact SUV. So the "Escalade" engineers, and the "Element" engineers got together and designed a wonderful little SUV! Sales of the new "Excrement" were lackluster, however.

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A young Jewish man walks into the lingerie department and tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B please."
 
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
 
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said that you would know what she wanted."
 
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
 
Confused and a little flustered the man asked, “So, what are the differences?"
 
The saleslady responded, "It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
 
He mused on that briefly and asked, "what does the Jewish bra do?"
 
“Ah, the Jewish bra" she replied “makes mountains out of molehills.”
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Man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a shot of whisky... no wait make it ten double shots." Bartender pours the drinks, and the man starts downing them as fast as he can. "Might want to slow down a bit", says the bartender. "No. I need to finish these before the trouble starts."  "What trouble?", asks the bartender. The man replies, "I ain't got no money."

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