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Gene C

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My Job Sucks
 

You think your job sucks? Let me tell you about the people I work with.

First, there's this supermodel wanna-be chick. Ok, I'll admit, she's pretty hot, but damn she is completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on her makeup. She is extremely self centered and never considers the needs of anyone other than herself. She is dumber than a box of rocks and I find it surprising that she has enough brain power to breathe.


 
 
The next chick is exactly the opposite- she might even be one of the smartest girls on the planet. She has endless career opportunities but she's still here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I doubt she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive past the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

 
 
 
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. The guy is baked before he comes to work, after work, and even during work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last 10 years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and, to make things worse, brings his fucking giant dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walking around half stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King every single fucking day.

 
 
Anyways, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.  happy0009.gif
 
 
 

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My Job Sucks
 

You think your job sucks? Let me tell you about the people I work with.

First, there's this supermodel wanna-be chick. Ok, I'll admit, she's pretty hot, but damn she is completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on her makeup. She is extremely self centered and never considers the needs of anyone other than herself. She is dumber than a box of rocks and I find it surprising that she has enough brain power to breathe.

The next chick is exactly the opposite- she might even be one of the smartest girls on the planet. She has endless career opportunities but she's still here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I doubt she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive past the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the phuking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. The guy is baked before he comes to work, after work, and even during work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last 10 years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and, to make things worse, brings his phuking giant dog to work. Every phuking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walking around half stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King every single phuking day.

Anyways, I drive these phuktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and 5hi7.  happy0009.gif

 
 
 
 
That is phuking HILARIOUS Gene happy0009.gifhappy0009.gifhappy0009.gifhappy0009.gif!!!  The first chick sounds like my brother.....except he IS smart, he just doesn't choose to apply it to his job (our family engineering firm) 1215.gif!!!  And the pothead sounds like me in my younger days......minus the horrible sounding attire and the giant friggin dog out.gif LOL!!!
 
BTW, LOVE your analogy of you're work crew as Scooby-Doo......except for some reason you don't strike me as an 'ascot' type of fellow face20.gif!!!

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BTW, LOVE your analogy of you're work crew as Scooby-Doo......except for some reason you don't strike me as an 'ascot' type of fellow face20.gif!!!

 Well tights and a cape were not attractive attire so I chose The Mystery Machine. face20.gif

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 Well tights and a cape were not attractive attire so I chose The Mystery Machine. face20.gif
 
CLASSIC happy0009.gifhappy0009.gifhappy0009.gif LOL!!!  Where do you come up with this stuff Gene!!!

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THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
 
happy0009.gif
 

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Speaking of turkeys...
 
 
One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."

The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."

At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."

A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas -- we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"
 
 

 

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You might be an audiophile if you sometimes listen to music without doing anything else.

You might be an audiophile if you paid more for your hi-fi than your car.

You might be an audiophile if your speaker cables are thicker than your garden hose.

You might be an audiophile if you think vacuum tube amplifiers are beautiful.

You might be an audiophile if you have your local hi-fi dealer's phone number on speed dial.

You might be an audiophile if you learned how to solder before you learned how to ride a bike.

You might be an audiophile if you don't mind the sound of your LPs' clicks and pops.

You might be an audiophile if you think home theater systems are a waste of time.

You might be an audiophile if you don't have an iPod.

You might be an audiophile if you know what "slew rate" means.

You might be an audiophile if you own more LPs and CDs than books or movies.

You might be an audiophile if your speakers are bigger than your microwave oven.

You're definitely an audiophile if your speakers are bigger than your refrigerator.
 
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The Stowaway

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a young handsome sailor stopped her and talked her out of it. "Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with you life." said the sailor. "In fact, my ship is sailing for Europe in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to Europe where you can start a new life."

 

That sounded great to the young women who took up living secretly in a cabin on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the ship's captain hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me."

 

"He certainly is!" replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."   

  
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On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

 

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

 

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Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."

"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

 

 

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What's the difference between a remote control and a clitoris??

 

A man will keep hunting until he finds the remote control.

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What's the difference between a remote control and a clitoris??

A man will keep hunting until he finds the remote control.

 
happy0009.gifhappy0009.gifhappy0009.gif that's a good one LOL!!!

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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

 One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

 A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

 At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

 Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God.

Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”

Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.

Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

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Cursing Fish      

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right".

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DUI - Wisconsin Style
               Only a  person in Wisconsin could think of this.
                From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport because there is a bar on every corner, comes this true story.
                Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Rhinelander, WI . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated  that he could barely walk.
                 The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
                 After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
                 He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
                 Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off -- it was a fine, dry summer  night --, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
                 He moved  the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
                 At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
                 The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a  breathalyzer test.
                 To his  amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
                 Dumbfounded, the officer said,"I'll have to ask you to  accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
                 'I doubt  it,' said the truly proud Wisconsinite Barfly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
 
 

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NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE 
PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!
 
 An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and  Gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
 When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a  Very pretty female doctor. 
 The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your  Prostate today, but this new procedure is a little  Different from what you are probably used to. 
 I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees,  then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 
 '99'. 
The old guy obeys and says,
 "99".
 The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side  and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 
 '99". 
 Again, the old guy  says, 
 '99'." 
The doctor said, “Very good”. 
 Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees  Raised slightly.
 I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with  the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis 
 to keep it out of the way. 
 Now take a deep breath and say, 
'99'.  
The old guy begins, 
"One.... 
  two… 
three…" 

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Fart Joke, Wife Home Hearing Test

Bernie was at the bar after work and mentioned to his drinking buddy, that he feared his wife Peggie wasn't hearing as well and thought she might need a hearing aid.    Well, his buddy says, "I've got the simple informal home test that will be sure to get a response!",  Here's what you do, "stand about 30 feet away from her, let go a good ripping fart and see if she hears it. If not, go to 20 feet, then 10 feet and so on until you get a response".     So that evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself 'I'm about 30 feet away, let's see what happens. He musters up a good fart, then waits for a comment. Nothing!    So the husband moves closer, into the hallway, about 20 feet from his wife and repeats with another respective good ripping fart.     Still no response.     So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, generates one of his best longest farts to date.    Again there is no response.     So he walks right up behind her, "For goodness sake, Bernie, for the FOURTH time .. "Stop Farting!"

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A drunk guy stumbles into a church, and makes his way to one of the confessional booths, where he promptly passes out. The priest sees this, and figures the man is entitled to confessional, so he enters his booth and says through the screen "how long since your last confession?"

 

After no response, the priest knocks on the wall, and says "anyone in there?"

 

To this, the drunk comes around and says "it's no use buddy - there's no toilet paper in this one either!"

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