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Gene C

Do you know any jokes?

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

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You know you're from Canada when...

 

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.

- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

- The mosquitoes have landing lights.

- You have more miles on  your snowblower than your car.

- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.

- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.

- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.

- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.

- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

- You know which leaves make good toilet paper. v - You  find -40C a little nippy.

- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

- You can play road hockey on skates.

- You know 4 seasons -  Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.

- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

 

 

 

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Last night we went to a new restaurant. Tip-top service to the max !!! The Table waiter gave us a great table. The wine waiter came over and gave us some great wine, the desert waiter came over with some great deserts, then the head waiter came over and, well they had some great service !!!

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You know you're from Canada when...
...
 - You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
 
What's a "meter"?
(asks the American)

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3' ,or close enough...........
 
Thanks for taking a twenty thousandth of a fortnight to explain! 
 
Why don't they just say "five one thousandths of a furlong"?
 
Silly Canadians and their adoption of the awkward SI... 

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I remember when they adopted the metric system.....I was 17....it was tough enough for me, my parents
were really screwed. For a long time we thought in both Km and miles, F and C......now its metric all the way.
 
Except for building materials and football.....still imperial....weird eh?
 
If you guys ever visit your gonna need THIS... 
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I remember when they adopted the metric system.....I was 17....it was tough enough for me, my parents
were really screwed. For a long time we thought in both Km and miles, F and C......now its metric all the way.
 
Except for building materials and football.....still imperial....weird eh?
 
If you guys ever visit your gonna need THIS... 
 
Thanks for the 'crash-course' Perry!!!  To this day one of my favorite movies of ALL TIME is 'Strange Brew' with Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis.......not sure if EITHER of them is Canadian, but that movie cracks me up EVERY TIME happy0009.gifhappy0009.gifhappy0009.gifhappy0009.gif LOL!!!
 
Take off you Hoser!!!

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Thanks for the 'crash-course' Perry!!!  To this day one of my favorite movies of ALL TIME is 'Strange Brew' with Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis.......not sure if EITHER of them is Canadian, but that movie cracks me up EVERY TIME happy0009.gifhappy0009.gifhappy0009.gifhappy0009.gif LOL!!!
 
Take off you Hoser!!!
 
If you liked that you should check out SCTV .....Second city TV....it was a riot. Where the hosers were created.
A lot of talented Canadians started on that show....John Candy, Robin Duke, Joe Flaherty, Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin,
Rick Moranis, Mike Myers, Catherine O'hare, Martin short, Dave Thomas and others.
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If you liked that you should check out SCTV .....Second city TV....it was a riot. Where the hosers were created.
A lot of talented Canadians started on that show....John Candy, Robin Duke, Joe Flaherty, Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin,
Rick Moranis, Catherine O'hare, Martin short, Dave Thomas and others.  
 
Thanks Perry, I'll have to check it out msp_thumbup.gif!!!

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Yeah Casey, SCTV was Canada's answer to SNL. I remember those shows from when I was a kid watching them with my dad. Used to get the two shows comedians mixed up because they were equally hilarious.  

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A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding... 
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. 
Older Woman: Oh, I see. 
Officer : Can I see your license please? 
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 
Officer : Don't have one? 
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. 
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 
Older Woman: I can't do that. 
Officer : Why not? 
Older Woman: I stole this car. 
Officer : Stole it? 
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 
Officer : You what? 
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. 
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. 
Older woman: Is there a problem sir? 
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. 
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? 
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.  The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. 
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? 
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. 
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.  The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.  The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.  Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. 
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 
 
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Taking the Bait     

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

 

"Chicken wire."

 

"What you gonna do with that?"

 

"Gonna catch some chickens."

 

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

 

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

 

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

 

"Duct tape."

 

"What you gonna do with that?"

 

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

 

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

 

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

 

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

 

"It's a pussy willow."

 

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

 
 
 
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A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaro.
 

A few kilometers further down the road he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

 
He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.
 
The tourist turned to the bartender and said, "What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in public."
 
The bartender said, "You heartless b..........he's only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"

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Running Blind     

A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.

 

To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.

 

On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.

 

The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"

 

The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."

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A guy is driving around Arkansas, and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.  The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.  I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar.  He never did any of that shit."
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A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls, she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.  She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
 
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day? "The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
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Since Gene started a Dog theme.....heres another
 
 
A duck hunter heard of a farmer that had an incredible duck hunting dog.
He tracked the farmer down and ask for a demo, sure said the farmer.
When they met the farmer took the hunter out to a small lake surrounded
by bush and trees. Watch this said the farmer....he sent the dog through
the bramble, he disappeared. A few minutes later the dog came back,
sat down in front of the farmer and tapped the ground with his paw 4 times. 
The farmer looked at the hunter and said...that means theres 4 ducks in there.
They walked over and took a look....sure enough, 4 ducks swimming.
Thats incredible! said the hunter. The farmer sent the dog in again, he came
back and tapped the ground 7 times....they look again, sure enough seven ducks.
 
The hunter was stunned, he begged the farmer to sell the dog to him, the farmer refused.
Finally the hunter offered so much for the dog the farmer couldnt refuse and the dog went home
with him. The next day the hunter took his buddies duck hunting to show off his new dog.
they arrived at the lake and the hunter sent his dog in.......wait till you see this!
The dog was gone for a long time but finally came back. Instead of tapping the ground 
the dog searched for a stick, found one started to shake it in his mouth, threw it on the ground
and then ran to the hunter and started to hump his leg..... the hunter was shocked, and his buddies laughed.
Again the hunter sent the dog, he was gone even longer this time, when he finally came back he did the same
thing.......grabbed a stick shook it in his mouth, threw it down and then humped the hunters leg for all
he was worth.....this time the hunters buddies laughed hysterically.....this made the hunter so mad
he shot the dog in disgust.
 
Later the hunter phoned the farmer and was screaming mad at him. I paid so much for that dog
and he didnt do what he did before! The farmer asked what exactly happened. the hunter told him and
explained that he was so disgusted he shot the dog...
 
The farmer said, the poor dog was only trying to tell you that theres more phucking ducks on that lake than you could shake a stick at...... 
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There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."



The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us."


The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."


They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry man, no pets allowed."


The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."


The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"


He says, "Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good."


The guy at the door says, "Come on in."


The guy with the Chihuahua figures "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.


The guy at the door says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."


The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."


The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"


He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

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An Atheist and a Bear 

 
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

 

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. 

 

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."  Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. 

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" 

 

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. 

 

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. 

 

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. 

We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? 
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


Medically, speaking there is NO difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal.
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A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, finally the bear says, "excuse me ,do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur when you go?" The rabbit replies, "WHY NO".....so then the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
 
 
Now the rabbit is pissed, so he gets his revenge. happy0009.gif

 
One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner. In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first. After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in this forest to be female except me." Next is the rabbit's turn, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet," he says. The bear laughed, what an idiotic wish to make he thought to himself. The bear then says, "I wish for all the bears in this country to be female except me." The rabbit next says, "I wish for a motorcycle that requires no gas." The bear, almost tearing from laughter, says, "You could have wished for money to get those two things!" He then proceeds to make his final wish, after thinking for a while, he says to the frog, "I wish for all the bears in the world to be female except for me!" He smiles smugly. The rabbit then puts on his helmet, hops on his motorcycle, grins to the bear and says, "I wish for this bear to be gay."
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A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. The test is to go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it.

After they are done the priest says, "I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion."

The minister said, "I found a bear by the stream, preached God's holy word and he let me baptize him in the river."

The rabbi was bandaged from head to foot and said. "Looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

 

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

 

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

 

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

 

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

 

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

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