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Gene C

Do you know any jokes?

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A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

 

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

 

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

 

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

 

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

 

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

 

Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

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One evening a family drops their frail, elderly mother off at a nursing home, promising they'll come to see her the next day. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses rush over and catch her, then straighten her up in the chair. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more put her back upright. This goes on all morning until her family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask her, "So, Mom, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" '"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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A man lives in a border town between the US and Canada. He lives on the Canadian side, but works in construction on the US side. Every morning, he walks over to the American side, and every evening, he comes back over to the Canadian side with a wheelbarrow full of sand. And, every day without fail, the Canadian Customs officers check him for any contraband he might try to smuggle in.

 
For 20 years, the man works nearly every day for the construction company, and every day customs checks the sand in the wheelbarrow, trying to find hidden goods. They sift through the sand, dig in around it, but find nothing. As the years go on, they try to be more clever. They x-ray the wheelbarrow, run tests on the sand, check inside the wheels and axles - whatever they can possibly think of. In desperation, they even strip search the man a few times and run cavity checks. Year after year, they find nothing.

 
Finally, 20 years later, the man is old and set to retire. On the day of his retirement, he once again pushes a wheelbarrow full of sand across the border. The customs officers stop him and ask point-blank, "Look, we know you've been smuggling something across the border all these years. You have to be. But we've searched through your sand  every day for twenty years, and we've found absolutely nothing. It's killing us - please, we'll give you a free pass, wipe away any past crimes, if you just tell us what it is you've been smuggling all these years!"

 

The old man raised a confused eyebrow and said, "Really? I thought it was obvious, I've been smuggling wheelbarrows."

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Hehe~

 

my grandfather worked for Chrysler Corporation for 30 years...During WW2, he was an armed guard at the plant that made tank components for the Army. That was his favorite joke to tell with him in place of the border guards....thanks for the memory!

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Job interview
 
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
 
 
The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package.”

 
The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

 
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

 

And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”

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A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
 
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge. 

 
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. 
 

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
 
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
 
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
 
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
 
She slams the door again.
 
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
 
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
 
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. 
 
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
 
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
 
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
 
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
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A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

 

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

 

"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."

 

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"

 

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."

 

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''

 

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

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Speaking of old lady's and private parts...
 
 
Little Old Lady's Banking Wager
 
A little old lady walks into the Bank of Canada with a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the president of the bank.

She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank.

The president is curious, so he asks her, "Where did you get all this money?" The old lady replies, "I make bets."

The president then asks, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman says, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughs the president, "That's ridiculous -- you can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenges, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK. I'll bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 a.m. as a witness, and we'll see."

The next morning, the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. "OK," she says, "Time to drop your pants and settle this bet."

The president complies. The little old lady peers closely at his balls and asks if she could feel them. "Well, OK," says the bank president, "since there's so much money on the line."

Just then, the lawyer starts banging his head against the wall. The president asks the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replies, "I bet him $50,000 that at 10 a.m. today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

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5hit

 

Corny but funny....

 

A bear and a rabbit are taking a 5hi7 in the woods....

 

So the bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with the 5hi7 sticking to his fur and he says no. So when they are finish, the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass!!!

 

HaHa, guess you had to be there....

 

RonW.

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5hit

 

Corny but funny....

 

A bear and a rabbit are taking a 5hi7 in the woods....

 

So the bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with the 5hi7 sticking to his fur and he says no. So when they are finish, the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass!!!

 

HaHa, guess you had to be there....

 

RonW.

 

LOL, sounds a lot like this one I told 21 days ago. emwink.gif  

http://thecarversite.com/yetanotherforum/default.aspx?g=posts&m=147961#post147961

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Quote

 

Quote
5hit

 

Corny but funny....

 

A bear and a rabbit are taking a 5hi7 in the woods....

 

So the bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with the 5hi7 sticking to his fur and he says no. So when they are finish, the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass!!!

 

HaHa, guess you had to be there....

 

RonW.

LOL, sounds a lot like this one I told 21 days ago. emwink.gif  

http://thecarversite.com/yetanotherforum/default.aspx?g=posts&m=147961#post147961

 

Sorry, I didn't see your post I seen a cartoon on faceBook....

 

RonW

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A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

 

The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

 

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

 

The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

 

A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

 

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

 

A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

 

The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

 

The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

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Ole Olson is on is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with

his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and his two sons.  So, he says to them,

"My oldest son Swen, I want you to take the Minnetonka houses; daughter

Lena, take the apartments over in  Edina; son Rasmus, I want you to take

the offices over on Hennepin; and Gunhild, my dear wife, please take all

the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Ole slips away,

she says,"Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to

have accumulated all this property."

 

Gunhild replies, "Property?...The idiot had a paper route!"

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Top 21 Signs That the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty   
 
1. Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
 
2. Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
 
3. Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
 
4. Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
 
5. Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
 
6. Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
 
7. Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
 
8. Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
 
9. Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
 
10. Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become to steep for crew to climb.
 
11. Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
 
12. Holodeck becomes caught in infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
 
13. Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
 
14. Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
 
15. Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
 
16. Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
 
17. Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
 
18. Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says   "Pretty please, with sugar on it."
 
19. Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.
 
20. Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
 
21. Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

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There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the chief boson's mate that his men smelled bad. 

The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change their underwear occasionally.
 
 
The chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

 

The chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear. "Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!

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Police Patrol

 Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar called the Rammer Jammer in a small farmtown in Alabama. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.


 Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.


 The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud farmer. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

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An old Golfer

 An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
 As he passes through the swinging doors,he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00

HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary
money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to

the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

clip_image001  
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
 "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile.
 "May I help you sir?"  The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young

lady, are you the one who gives the

hand-jobs

around here?

 She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,"Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good first, because I want a cheeseburger."
 

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This guy is sitting in a bar one evening on his own. He keeps catching the eye of a lady at the far end of the bar. This goes on for quite some time, before he musters up the courage to go over to her.

 

"Hi, what brings a beautiful woman like you here?" he asks

 

"I've broken up with my boyfriend, so I'm just sitting here drowning my sorrows. He said I was too dirty in the bedroom."

 

"Wow, I'm here for the same reason - my girlfriends just thrown me out, said I was too filthy as well!"

 

They sit drinking together for the rest of the evening. As she goes to leave, she asks if he'd like to come back to hers and he accepts.

 

When they get back to her place she motions to the sofa and says, "I'll be right out, just going to get ready." She goes into the bathroom and gets out her strap-on dildo, anal beads, whip, gimp outfit, Viagra, and a leather dominatrix outfit.

 

When she comes out, he is heading towards the door. "Where are you going?" she asks.

 

"Well," he says, "I've fucked your cat and had a shit in your hand bag - I'm off."

 

 

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by
mistake.
He finds his way to a barstool
and orders a shot of Jack
Daniels.
After sitting  there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given
that you are blind, that you should know five things...
 
1. The
bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball
 
2. The
bouncer is a blonde girl.
 
3. I'm a
six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate
 
4. The woman
sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.


5. The lady
to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.

Now, think
about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell  that
blonde joke?"


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five ph
uckin' 
times." !












 

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I don't know if this is joke or just a funny situation. As some of us know life just gets better as you get older doesn't it. I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod.
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