danowood 2,167 Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 A man received the following text from his neighbor... I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess; I have been helping myself to your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again." The man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead. A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn Autospell! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should read, 'your Wifi"..., Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted December 24, 2014 Author Share Posted December 24, 2014 Optimist vs. Pessimist A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodH 4,820 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 North Korea Accuses U.S. of Staging Internet Failure Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 North Korea Accuses U.S. of Staging Internet Failure Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Of course we did it, was it supposed to be a secret? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodH 4,820 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 CANADIAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART (All temperatures in Fahrenheit and Celsius) 70 ABOVE (21 C) *Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. *People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes. 60 ABOVE (16 C) *North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. *People in Canada plant gardens. 50 ABOVE (10 C) *Californian's shiver uncontrollably. *People in Canada sunbathe. 40 ABOVE (5 C) *Italian and English cars won't start. *People in Canada drive with the windows down. 32 ABOVE (0 C) *Distilled water freezes. *Lake Superior's water gets thicker. 20 ABOVE (-6 C) *Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats. *People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt. 15 ABOVE (-9.4 C) *Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. *People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold. 0 DEGREES ( -17.8 C) *People in Miami all die........ *Canadians lick the flagpole. 20 BELOW (-28.9 C) *Californians fly away to Mexico *People in Canada get out their winter coats. 40 BELOW (-40 C) *Hollywood disintegrates. *The Girl Guides of Canada are selling cookies door to door. 60 BELOW (-51.1 C) *Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. *Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 BELOW (-62.2 C) *Mt. St. Helen's freezes. *People in Canada rent some videos. 100 BELOW (-73.3) *Santa Claus abandons the North Pole *Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg. 297 BELOW (-128.8 C) *Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. *Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands. 460 BELOW (-273.3 C) *ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale). *People in Canada start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?" 500 BELOW (295.7 C) *Hell freezes over. *The Americans win a gold medal in hockey 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDR 1,192 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Gene, funny thing is everything from zero F on up is pretty dang accurate on your above list.... I remember swimming on a beach in Florida in Jan 1976, it actually snowed that year down there. We had people with parkas on staring at us, it was a hoot, they thought we were nuts....it was low 60s F Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveStL 85 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 In CA, that's wetsuit weather. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Paul Klipsch is walking down the street one day and see's his old buddy Dr. Amar Bose walking towards him. Mr. Klipsch cups his hands up to his mouth making a horn and say's loudly "Good morning Dr. Bose, how are you?". Upon seeing his friend Mr. Klipsch and hearing his greeting, Dr. Bose turns around, faces the opposite direction and says "a very good morning to you Mr Klipsch. I'm well thank you, and yourself?". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PMAT 1,834 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddmaster 957 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Guts or Balls There "IS" a medical distinction between "gut or balls". We've all heard about people having guts or balls but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume, beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maytag 793 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I read a study today that said one out of three people are unfaithful in their relationships. I just have to figure out if it's my wife or my girlfriend... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Share Posted February 13, 2015 Fruit Cake Recipe You will need the following: A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey. Sample the whiskey and check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon uice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of something. Whatever you find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
srinath 34 Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' Fair warning - If you do this be prepared to "50 shades of grey" her for the next month. Cool. Srinath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
srinath 34 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 OK incredibly sexist joke coming up. So it should be very very offensive to anyone who likes sex. So you better not repeat this. Did you hear, McGyver is coming back. The new McGyver is going to be a woman. Yea, yea, in the first episode she's going to "break the internet" with her ... of all things ... get this ... her A$$. Yea ... So, basically, Kim Kardashiat is the new McGyver. Cool. Srinath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kve777 6,640 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Where's the funny bit? Isn't there supposed to be a funny bit? For sure, I'm not repeating that one! Q- What do you call the person who is giving you annoying driving advice? A- A Nagavator! I hope that was better than the last one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
srinath 34 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Where's the funny bit? Isn't there supposed to be a funny bit? For sure, I'm not repeating that one! I guess its one of those "you had to be there" moments. Cool. Srinath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodH 4,820 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 It would seem none of us were there. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
srinath 34 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 OK I guess it needs an explaination ... or not ... but ... Kim Kardashiat put up pics of her butt ... and these were the pics that were supposed to "break the internet". Then of course the new McGyver going to be a woman, and they were talking about how McGyver blew up a jeep using a bunch of mirrors. OK There, A + B = my joke. Yea yea no one was there, cos Kim Kardashiat told everyone she was gonna be naked at this place and time ... and all the rest of us went ewwwww ... yea I aint going there. Cool. Srinath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodH 4,820 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 'Ye already went there Bro! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 It would seem none of us were there. Now that's funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Well, this here story goes something like this. Ya see, there was this trucker,and he was on a run on day,and stopped into this diner for a bite to eat. Well, he sits down at the counter, and the waitress comes over hands him a menu and a glass of water, and says "What'll ya have?" Well, the trucker says," Ya got any chili?" The waitress says, "No, I just sold my last bowl to the guy sitting next to you." So, the trucker looks over at the guy next to him, and notices that he looks like he's mostly finished with his meal 'cept for the bowl of chili sitting there on the counter. So, the trucker asks the guy, "Hey, are you gonna eat that?" To which the man replied, "Naw, you go right ahead." So, the trucker starts eating the chili, which tasted mighty good to him. Well, he got about halfway through with it, and sees a dead mouse laying at the bottom of the bowl. UP COMES THE CHILI!!!! Right back into the bowl!! The guy next to him says," Yep, that's about as far as I got with it too!" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fill35U 1,845 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I'm all for nude pics of Kim Kardashian. In fact, I believe sharing them is why DARPA invented the Internet. But I'm really curious about how you can blow up a Jeep with mirrors! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodH 4,820 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Kim Kardashian the Krispy Kreme model? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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