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Do you know any Jokes? Cartoons? Funny Memes?


Gene C

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  • 2 weeks later...
There was once a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, which the little boy hated because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
 
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen, so the little boy decided it was the perfect day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
 
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought for a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
 
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
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A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
 
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
 
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
 
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


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A visiting professor at Florida State University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
 
 
"Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
 
 
"That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
 
 
"That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
 
 
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said "goats."


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A devout Christian passed away; He arrived at the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven! The Christian passed through to witness everyone sitting on a cloud playing harps. Is this all there is to Heaven; He ask? What more do you seek; ask St. Peter? Well said the Christian I confess I expected a little more. St. Peter remarked; Well you do have the option to check out Hell if you choose. Since you have been a good Christian I will afford you a round trip ticket if that would please you. Great said the Christian; I always wondered what Hell would be like. In an instant he was whisked away to Hell. Satan greeted him at the door. Welcome to Hell; Please come in. The Christian walked through the cast iron doors only to discover everyone drinking, partying, music playing, wild dancing, Wow exclaimed the Christian. What are you drinking Satan asked? Gin replied the Christian. I'll send a bottle replied Satan. Meanwhile a sexy buxom blond arrived to park herself on the Christian's lap & a waiter arrived with the gin. The Christian began to pour himself a drink only to discover that the bottle neck was solid glass. Pardon me Satan but this bottle doesn't seem to have a hole in it; exclaimed the Christian. Neither does She; replied Satan; This is HELL.

 

 

 

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A man died and went to the gates of heaven where he met Saint Peter. Peter said to him, "I have looked at your Book of Life and you are welcome into heaven under one condition."

 

The man replied, "Yes, Saint Peter. And what is that condition?"

 

Peter said to the man, "You must spell the word: love."

 

So the man spelled the word, "L - O - V - E"  then Peter admitted him into heaven.

 

As the man walks in, Peter tells the man to watch the gate until he returns. Peter had something to discuss with the Lord. Peter reminds the man that he must ask whoever comes to the gate, to spell the word.

 

After a short period of time, the man's wife shows up at the gate.

 

"What are YOU doing here?" he demands of her.

 

"Well," she said, "on the way home from your funeral, there was an accident and I died."

 

The man told her, "Alright, but before you enter heaven you must be able to spell a word."

 

"What word is that?" she asked.

 

"Czechoslovakia," he said.

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  • 3 weeks later...
This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year."
 
 
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than once a week!"
 
 
The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
 
 
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's more than twice a week. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
 
 
The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
 
 
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
 
 
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"


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A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

 
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
 
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
 
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
 
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
 
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
 
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
 
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
 
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
 
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
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  • 2 weeks later...
A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"
 
"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."
 
"What?"
 
"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."
 
"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"


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3 bums were outside a bar.

 
The first one went in and asked for a fork.
 
The second one went in and also asked for a fork.
 
Then the third one went in and wanted a straw.
 
At this point, the bartender became curious.
 

"How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?"

 

"Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."

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  • 2 weeks later...

A guy got on a bus one day and sat down in an aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?" The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Trev says to Greg behind him,"Shiiiiit, my elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
 
"Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Greg replies. "There’s a diagnostic computer down at the Shell Station repair shop. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
 
So Trev deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the Shell Station. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
 
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
 
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Trev began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Trev hurries back to BP, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
 
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
 
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
 
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
 
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
 
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
 
Thank you for shopping at Shell.


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  • 2 weeks later...
Lizard And Monkey
 

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
 

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
 

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"
 

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
 

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"
 

The Monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
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A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

 

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Di*k."

 

"How does it work?" asked the businessman.

 

The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Di*k from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Di*k that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.

 

"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"

 

He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Di*k and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Di*k my pus*y."

 

The Voodoo Di*k flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Di*k inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.

 

The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Di*k, my ass."

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You don’t need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there’d be no more innocent bystanders. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, “Damn, he must have did something. He put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass!” Niggas will say “I would blow your fucking head off…if I could afford it. I’m gonna get me another job, I’m gonna start saving some money, and then you’re dead man. You better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway! - Chris Rock
 
 
 
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Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

 
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

 
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

 
"How long did it take you?"

 
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
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