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Do you know any Jokes? Cartoons? Funny Memes?

Gene C

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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything

From the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, would he know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

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If you can say these 4 words fast out loud without getting tongue tied, your a genius...
1) Eye
2) Yam
3) Stew
4) Peed
Is that in French? eusa_think.gif

I guess that really depends on your pronunciation of words. happy0009.gif
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  • 2 weeks later...

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.


All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman,

doctor, lawyer, and so forth.


However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher

prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a

cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her under-

wear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay

with him all night for money."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to

work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really

true about your mother?"


No," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping

to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that

in front of the other kids."

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  • 3 weeks later...
 FW: To my twisted friends
> To my twisted friends
>  If this offends you,
> take solace in the fact that you are supposedly mentally  healthy.   If  it causes you to smile, you have some issues but you are in  good company!   
> A seriously depressed, but attractive, woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying
> to get up the nerve to jump. A passing hobo stops and says,
> "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would
> you mind if we had sex first?" 
> The woman   said "Hell no! Get away from me you  sicko!" 
> The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the  bottom."
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  • 1 month later...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the LoneRanger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." 
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

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  • 3 weeks later...
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
"How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, he said. It's turned black."
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A man is in a bitter divorce he takes the life savings a buys a sports car and is flying down the highway ,a police pursuit ensues he doesn't stop at first and then finally does.

The cop is angry and says that he doesn't need this crap at the end of a long shift and tells him he's going to jail unless he has good excuse.

Well the man says ,two weeks ago my wife left me for a cop and I thought you were trying to bring her back. The cop said, have a nice day

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Today's riddle for seniors...Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ???  



Get your drunken carcass off the merry-go-round and go home!


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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
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My Nice was over for the weekend (age10) and she stubed her toe and was crying so I told her it would be OK because I had already called the
she looked at me with questioning eyes and quit crying. 
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My buddy asked me the other day...."Do you smoke after sex?"
I said........"dont know, never looked" 
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The 25 Best Two-Line Jokes Ever.


1. Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.


2. My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.


3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.


4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they're efficient and not very funny.


5. What do you call a dog with no legs.

It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.


6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.


You have my Word.


7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.


8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.


9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.


10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.


11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.

Runs in our jeans.


12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"


13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.

The bartender gave it to her.


14. Want to hear a word I just made up?



15. Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.


16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.


17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -

You can hide but you can't run.


18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.


19. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.


20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheberg.


21. Someone stole my mood ring,

I don't know how I feel about that.


22. I tried to catch fog yesterday,



23. The first rule of Alzheimer's club,

Is don't talk about chess club.


24. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.


25. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.


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My buddy asked me the other day...."Do you smoke after sex?"
I said........"dont know, never looked" 

happy0009.gif eusa_clap.gif

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I was late for work, and the boss was ready, waiting for me. "Exactly what time do you wake up in the morning?" He asked. Without hesitation, I replied, " Right before I exit the freeway."  .....True story, I was quick with a response when not fully awake.

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Quote of the Day...


If you are going to talk about foreign policy with


Obama supporters, always remember this.


Most of them believe that "Iran" is what they


did after they robbed the local liquor store.

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  • 3 weeks later...

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