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Do you know any Jokes? Cartoons? Funny Memes?


Gene C

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Counting down the top 15 jokes of Fringe 2016:
15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word." -- Phil Nicol
14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses." -- Zoe Lyons
13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer." -- Arthur Smith
12. "I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound." -- Roger Swift
11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first." -- Michelle Wolf
10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask." -- Jordan Brookes
9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" -- Annie McGrath
8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor." -- Adele Cliff
7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words." -- Gary Delaney
6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated." -- Tiff Stevenson
5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer... came second." -- Will Duggan
4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit." -- Mark Smith
3. "I've been happily married for four years -- out of a total of 10." -- Mark Watson
2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one..." -- Stuart Mitchell
1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart." -- Masai Graham
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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

 

The wife's back on the warpath again.  She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay"  as she likes to call it.

 

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.  So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

 

I woke up this morning for breakfast at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got  downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast all day.

 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last  night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"  "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

 


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This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she
asks five or six questions to which he answerers quite simply, but then she is speechless after being asked only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Reply: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?
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