Dnspy007 1,475 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator says, Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence.......... then a gun shot is heard............. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what? 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrianD 488 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 Especially for my fellow Californians - How do you know there is a vegan at your party? Don’t worry, they will tell you. 5 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 What do call a melancholy robot? A sigh-borg... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dnspy007 1,475 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 As an airplane is about to crash.. A female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,........Here, iron this... 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 Did you hear about the kidnapping at School? It's okay, the boy finally woke up... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 8, 2018 Share Posted September 8, 2018 What's the difference between "Snomen" & "Snowomen"? "Snoballs"... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 To the guy that stole my antidepressants... I hope you're happy... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 What's worse than Ants in your pants? Uncles... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and you only have 10 to live" Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: 'Nine" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danowood 2,167 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 Hebrew Writing Hebrew Writing....... Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols: It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically. Then an old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that chick". 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 I had a Dream last night that I was walking on a beautiful Sandy Beach... At least that explains the Footprints I found in the Catliter Box this Morning... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 On 9/3/2013 at 4:58 PM, Gene C said: Just a little humor for those who like to tell jokes Little Johnny joke... A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!" Concerned: I haven't been on the Site all that long, I haven't noticed any Posts from "Gene C" Is "Gene C" alright? Is he still alive and well? Later, randog311 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 Weather Girl: "Due to the cold front moving in from the North West, we can expect about 3 inches of snow, or as my colleague Bill would say, about 8 inches"... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 (edited) What did one saggy Boob say to the other... If we don't get support soon, people will mistake us for a set of old balls... Edited September 10, 2018 by randog311 Sentence structure 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 A Boss announces to his Staff: "I've lost a wallet with $500 Cash in it, I am offering a finders fee of $100"... From the back of the room, a Voice is heard: "I am offering $200"... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 Mom, how come I still didn't get my period? I mean, I'm already 19 already and Karen got her's at 13... Listen to me Bruce, you are NEVER EVER going to get a PERIOD!... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 (edited) "Employee of the Month" is a good example of where someone can be both a Winner and a Looser at the Same time... Edited September 12, 2018 by randog311 Spelling 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 It's sad that a Family can be Torn apart by something as simple as a wild dogs... Jack Handly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 Had to take a "Drug Test" for a job I applied for, the results came back negative... My dealer sure has some splanein' to do... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 " It became so cold in New York last night that it forced the flashers to describe themselves to people" Unknown Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 "The Worst time to have a Heart Attack is during a Game of Charades" Demetri Martin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,203 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car." Unknown Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_at_HHH 2,609 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 Moms in Group Therapy A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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