RodH 4,820 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 There's a magic elixir that can turn anyone into a Newfie: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retriever 1,076 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jldeni 439 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Community Admin AndrewJohn 8,163 Posted June 3, 2014 Community Admin Share Posted June 3, 2014 The most interesting man in the world on bed sheets... I don't always wash my sheets, but when I do, I forget them in the washer until I'm ready to go to bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Share Posted June 9, 2014 A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weitrhino 1,425 Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were on a plane together when it suddenly went into a nosedive. The captain announced they were going to crash. The teacher cried, "We must save the children!" The lawyer retorted, "Fuck the children!" The priest added, "Oh! Do you think we have time?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted June 22, 2014 Author Share Posted June 22, 2014 Little Boy & Old Man An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, "What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey." So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said," Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on. So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, "That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them." So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned. The moral of the story is: If You Try To Please Everyone You'll Eventually Lose Your ASS! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Community Admin AndrewJohn 8,163 Posted July 7, 2014 Community Admin Share Posted July 7, 2014 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Community Admin AndrewJohn 8,163 Posted July 7, 2014 Community Admin Share Posted July 7, 2014 Catch them off guard... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddyjt 8,606 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 A baby seal walks into a club.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!" The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddyjt 8,606 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 How about this...? If you build a fire, you can stay warm for a while. If you set yourself on fire, you'll be warm for the rest of your life... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddyjt 8,606 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says “Doctor, I have this terrible rash.” She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large ‘M’ shaped rash. The doctor replies, “Now that is the strangest rash I’ve ever seen.” The woman explains, “Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love.” The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way. The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. “How did you get that?” the doctor asks. “My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love,” she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way. The third day another young woman comes into the doctor’s office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an ‘M’ on her chest. “Let me guess,” the doctor says. “Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?” “No,” the patient replies, “My girlfriend goes to Wellesley.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?" The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted August 6, 2014 Author Share Posted August 6, 2014 A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo. When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage. After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage. He tiptoes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla. Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time. The gorilla pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat. The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along. The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says... "Tag, you're it". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddyjt 8,606 Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Tired of a listless sex life, a man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ratamahatta 421 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 whats the technical name of the sex change surgery to turn a woman into a man? addadicktome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
00cbirdw 195 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 That guy is friggin classic LOL!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodH 4,820 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 No-GoZone = OCCD? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted August 8, 2014 Author Share Posted August 8, 2014 Car Shopping A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene C 1,745 Posted August 8, 2014 Author Share Posted August 8, 2014 Doctor's Visit Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?" Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times." "Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kve777 6,664 Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 "What kind of 'taters do they serve at Zombie Football games?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kve777 6,664 Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 " Spectators!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now