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Do you know any jokes?


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Counting down the top 15 jokes of Fringe 2016:
15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word." -- Phil Nicol
14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses." -- Zoe Lyons
13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer." -- Arthur Smith
12. "I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound." -- Roger Swift
11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first." -- Michelle Wolf
10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask." -- Jordan Brookes
9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" -- Annie McGrath
8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor." -- Adele Cliff
7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words." -- Gary Delaney
6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated." -- Tiff Stevenson
5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer... came second." -- Will Duggan
4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit." -- Mark Smith
3. "I've been happily married for four years -- out of a total of 10." -- Mark Watson
2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one..." -- Stuart Mitchell
1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart." -- Masai Graham
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This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she
asks five or six questions to which he answerers quite simply, but then she is speechless after being asked only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Reply: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?
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