Jump to content
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Do you know any jokes?


Recommended Posts

  • Replies 1.1k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

The Tomato Garden An old gentleman lived alone in Kansas City. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard His only son, Vincent, who

THE CHAUFFEUR A young man with walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just absolutely hate drawing welfare. I'd re

Posted Images

  • Community Admin

From one of the greatest comedians of all time:

 

"Oh I told a guy, kids today, the way they dress you can’t tell boys from girls. I was looking at one kid, I said, what is that a boy or a girl? He said, that’s a boy. I said, sure you knew, you’re his father. He said, I’m not his father, I’m his mother."

 

Jacob Cohen aka Jack Roy & Rodney Dangerfield

  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

IF you order your ButtHurt remover in the next 10 minutes.....  We will provide  a second one, for the same LOW price,  to share with your family or friends .  Additional S&H may apply.   This is a limited time offer, operators are standing by. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

THE CHAUFFEUR

A young man with walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just absolutely hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. You don't know how much I hate accepting money for doing nothing. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing but I'll take my check please."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive around in his 2021 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's, beautiful and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

 

The social worker said, "Yeah, but you started it." .....

  • Thank You 1
  • Haha 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to rent a larger house However, he was having a lot of difficulties finding a new place to house his family. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie; we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

 

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked “How many children do you have?”

 

He answered: "Twelve.”

 

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

 

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

 

MORAL:

It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words ...and don't forget, many of our politicians went to school to become lawyers!

  • Thank You 3
  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Question: How many social media group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

 

Answer(s) follow...


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.


14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.


7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.


17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.


6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.


Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.


22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.


2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.


15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.


49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)


19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.


11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.


24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs


44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.


12 to post F.


8 to ask what F means.


7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.


3 to say "can't share"


2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"


36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.


15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.


6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"


4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".


13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".


1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.


50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.


5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.


1 late arrival, months (years?) later to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
 

  • Love this! 1
  • Haha 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whisky. Bartender asks, "Are you sure?" "Yup", says the man and starts drinking one after the other. "You best slow down there pardner" says the barkeep. Man says, nope I got to try and drink all these before the trouble starts." "What trouble?" says the barkeep. "I ain't got no money," says the man after the last shot.

  • Haha 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.


×
×
  • Create New...