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Do you know any jokes?


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The Tomato Garden An old gentleman lived alone in Kansas City. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard His only son, Vincent, who

THE CHAUFFEUR A young man with walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just absolutely hate drawing welfare. I'd re

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5 minutes ago, oakley104 said:

Too Good !!!

 

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Here's one to add:

 

I learned sympathy by listening to the guy in line behind me at the urinal squirm.

 

 

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No, but there were puddles on the floor. I stepped around them. 

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Digging around in some old document backups, I found this list of Bad Career Choices. I mentioned it a few days (weeks?) ago in another thread.

 

Bad First Career Choices

 

Teddy Kennedy Limosine Service

Dick Cheney Guide Service

Michael Jackson Day Care Center

Rush Limbaugh Pain Management Center

Monica Lewinski Dry Cleaners

Willie Nelson Tax Service

Wesley Snipes Tax Service

Michael Tyson Financial Planning

Bobby Knight Anger Management Center

Halle Berry Driving School

Jesse Jackson Speech Therapy

Madalyn Murray O'Hair School of Divinity

Robert Blake Marriage Counseling

O. J. Simpson Marriage Counseling

Karen Carpenter School of the Culinary Arts

Ike Turner Women's Shelter

George W Bush Mensa Preparation Center

Star Jones Fitness Center

Hillary Clinton Charm School

William Jefferson Clinton Finishing School for Girls

 

 

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So Demi Lovato has come out as "non-binary." Does that make her analog?

 

 

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Hexed is probably correct. Prolly by the Wicked Witch of the West...

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5 minutes ago, oakley104 said:

Do not have any personal experience with this topic, asking for a friend.....

 

Nacked.jpg.cb99c76dffd18ac367dfc1521ce7ca4b.jpg

Hell, I put up the fence before I MET the neighbors. Good thing too. One asked if I was building it high enough so that he couldn't see my wife's tits. That didn't end well. He moved soon after that.

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23 minutes ago, 4krow said:

One asked if I was building it high enough so that he couldn't see my wife's tits.


Each year you can lower the height of the fence!

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Bought the dog a new chew toy.

 

Now the Jehovah's Witness's don't knock on my door anymore.

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1 hour ago, RodH said:

Now the Jehovah's Witness's don't knock on my door anymore.

 

I answered the door naked once. That worked too.

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I've learned an unexpected benefit of having a houseful of black cats is to keep them well away, along with pretty much every other religious group!  😸  And you should see how fast they disappear if they haven't noticed, and I answer the door with one of my little "greeters!"   Heh heh!  I almost enjoy them coming, now.  😆  

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CELEBRITIES ON SEX

 

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500”

- Frank Sinatra

 

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

- George Burns

 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

- Jack  Nicholson

 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

- Barbara Bush 

 

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

- Robin Williams

 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

- Dustin Hoffman

 

- "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"

- Jerry Seinfeld

 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

- Robin  Williams

 

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.  "

- Joan Rivers

 

- Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful, and natural experiences money can buy.

- Steve Martin

 

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

- Bob Hope

 

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

- Oscar Wilde

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