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Do you know any jokes?


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Presidents Day:
 
I was eating breakfast with my 13-year-old daughter and I asked
her,"What day is tomorrow?"; she replied "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of
the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of Bull
Shit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
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THE CHAUFFEUR A young man with walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just absolutely hate drawing welfare. I'd re

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I love my dogs but thought this was hysterical.
 

  A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door.  The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.  He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
  The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are  you doing?"
  The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
  The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
  "Thanks mister", says the little boy.
  The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
  The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
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SNORKELING

IN ILLINOIS

 ?auth=co&id=246581&part=2.2

 
Alcohol

MAY have been involved

An Illinois Poem
It's  winter in Illinois
And the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour

At twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Illinois

When the snow's up to your butt

You take a breath of winter

And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful

So I guess I'll hang around

I could never leave Illinois

'Cause I'm frozen to the ground
 
 
 
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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
 
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
 
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'
 
'Yes'
'May I talk with her?'
 
 Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
 
 'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice..
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
 
Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
 
"Me."
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apparantly it didn't like a ping pic so converted it to bit map and then fixed it.

 

Ok... Let me know when you fix them because they are still blank. happy0009.gif 
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A group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge, So they stopped.

 

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

 

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

 

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

 

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

 

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

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Double Positive
 
A MIT linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there is no language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he

noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby

cemetery.

 

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind

the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a

dog on a leash.

 

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single

file.

 

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

 

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am

so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've

never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

 

"My wife's."

 

''What happened to her?"

 

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

 

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

 

My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and

killed her also.

 

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and

silence passed between the two men..

 

The man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

 

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

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While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
 
 
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With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up ?" "No"said her husband.

 

She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

 

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and

smiled approvingly.

 

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars

all crumpled up ?"  "No I haven't" he said, in an anxious tone in his

voice.

 

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt,

seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty

Dollar bill. 

 

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started

breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

 

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen

$35,000 Dollars all crumpled up ?"

 

"No way" he said becoming even more excited.  She said,  "Go look

in the garage."

 

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My grandmother died in the 80’s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce: The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway. Her soothing
hands when I would get hurt.
But the thing I remember most was her sage advice.
Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a
cookie and a Coke. She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and
start my own family.
Always remember this,” she said. “Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”
“How come, Grandma?”
She smiled and said gently, ”Makes your dick look bigger.”
Grandma was special................
 


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Bowel Movements
 

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."
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"Have you ever seen $35,000 Dollars all crumpled up ?"
  ---------------------------------------------
 
Looks just like this:
 
Before:
ExpeditionBefore.jpg
 

After:

 ExpeditionAfterRollover.jpg

 
No biggie! A little TurtleWax and those scratches will buff right out.  
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A maid asked for a pay increase.

 

 

 

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

 

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

 

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

 

"The first is that I iron better than you."

 

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

 

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

 

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

 

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

 

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

 

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

 

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

 

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in de bed."

 

(Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.)

 

Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

 

Maria: "No Senora... the gardener did."

 

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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