Dnspy007 1,475 Posted August 15, 2018 Share Posted August 15, 2018 This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention, I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy." I said, "Well, which one are you then?" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dnspy007 1,475 Posted August 15, 2018 Share Posted August 15, 2018 A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach... As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.' The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother: 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danowood 2,167 Posted August 15, 2018 Share Posted August 15, 2018 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 15, 2018 Share Posted August 15, 2018 My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary, she said that she wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in under 3 seconds... I bought her a new Bathroom Scale... That's when the fight started... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4krow 5,077 Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 I forget, was it Schroedinger who said "There is more than one way to box a cat?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 17, 2018 Share Posted August 17, 2018 If I was stuck on a Desert Island with only One Record, I would want it to be the Record for being able to swim the farthest... 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 Spouse of an Audiophile: Let me get this Straight, you spent $2,000 on a new set of Speaker Cables because "You can HEAR the difference ", yet you can't hear me CALLING you from the KITCHEN? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddyjt 8,637 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 THIS RECORD BREAKING HEAT MAKES IT HARDER THAN USUAL TO BE FAT. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 Time flies like an Arrow, Fruit flies like a Banana... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddyjt 8,637 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 21 hours ago, randog311 said: THIS RECORD BREAKING HEAT MAKES IT HARDER THAN USUAL TO BE FAT. I don’t seem to be having any trouble? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop anytime I want... 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 (edited) If Twitter, Facebook & You Tube ever merge... It would be called: "You Twit Face" Finally they have a Parking Space reserved at the Grocery Store for Fat Guyscthat like to Grill ? Edited August 19, 2018 by randog311 Deleted Space 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_at_HHH 2,609 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 And old one, but hopefully worth a laugh. A lady goes into a pet store and takes an interest in a parrot. The owner comes over and says, “I need to warn you that this parrot used to live in a bordello, and he can have some rather crude language as a result.” The lady thinks for a moment and decides that's probably not too bad and can probably teach him new words, so she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once home, she sets up the parrot's cage and uncovers it. The parrot takes a look around and says, “Squawk! New whorehouse! Squawk! New Madam! Squawk!” The lady is taken a little aback, but takes in stride. A little later her daughters get home from school, and go over to see the new parrot. “Squawk! New whorehouse! New Madam! New prostitutes! Squawk!” The lady is perturbed by this, but figures she'll ask her husband for some advise when he get;s home. Her husband arrives and they go in to see the parrot. “Squawk! New whorehouse! New Madam! New prostitutes! Must be Thursday – same old Tony! Squawk!” 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 (edited) Finally they have a Parking Space reserved at the Grocery Store for the Fat Guy that likes to Grill ? https://me.me/i/finally-they-have-a-parking-spot-for-fat-guys-that-6b8824a5db07414d90f1884abffc0e7a Edited August 20, 2018 by randog311 Sentence structure 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddyjt 8,637 Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 Why are the so many female archaeologists? because women love digging up the past... 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 Dad: "GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!" Child: "storms off": "JIM MORRISON WAS OVER RATED!" Dad: "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?" 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 It remains a puzzle why the word "Bra" is singular? and the word "Panties" is plural? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 How do you tell if the Audiophile is sitting in "the sweet spot" and his chair is perfectly level? He's drooling out of both sides of his mouth... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dnspy007 1,475 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 Homeless Man telling his story to another homeless Gentleman: I had a Family, a good Job, owned my own home, then one day I discovered that I could hear DIFFERENCES among Audio Components... Audiophiles don't use their Equipment to listen to Music... They use use Music to listen to their Equipment... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 What to you call a Guitar Player without a Girlfriend? Homeless... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 I have an EpiPen A friend gave it to me as he was dying, it seemed vey imported to him that I have it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 24, 2018 Share Posted August 24, 2018 A Game Warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act... "You're going to pay a Big Fine for all those Fish in your bucket" But Officer, I didn't catch these, they are my Pet Fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they are done they jump back into the bucket. "O'Realy, this I've got to see, if you can prove it I will let you go" The fishermen dumps the fish carefully back into the Lake, a few minutes go by and nothing happens... "So where are the Fish? What FiSH? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,208 Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 You know you're getting old when... You're Dreams are Dry... & You're Farts are Wet... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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