randog311 7,204 Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Aging gracefully is a nice way of saying that you're looking worse slowly... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Life is like Toilet Paper... Either you're on a Roll or taking Crap from some A-Hole... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 You're Old enough to remember when Emojis were called "Hieroglyphics"... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 (edited) Sometimes we expect more from others because would be willing to do that much more for them... Edited October 30, 2018 by randog311 Spelling 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 The problem with Trouble Shooting is that sometimes Trouble Shoots back.. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 What is the difference between Men and Pigs? Pigs don't become Men when they drink... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4krow 5,077 Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 I'm sorry guys.... I just don't know any more jokes. I'm so embarrassed. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockster2U 668 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 (edited) I’ll Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells. LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.' LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!' LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.' LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business. I LOVE Little RALPHy Edited October 30, 2018 by Rockster2U 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 (edited) What is the Canadian hair product of choice? Moose Shot (Spunk)... Edited October 31, 2018 by randog311 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Best Friends: Ready to Die for one another, but will fight to the Death over the last slice of pizza... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 One day you're the best thing since sliced bread, the next you're toast... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 To be happy with a Man, a Woman must know him a lot and Love him a little... To be happy with a Woman, a Man must Love her a lot and not know her at all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian_at_HHH 2,609 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 I still have a landline phone, ... or as I call it, "my cellphone finder." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 What do you call a Blonde with two brain cells... Knocked up... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 We just received a Fax at work, we didn't know we had a Fax Machine, the entire Dept just stared at it, I poked it with a 10 Foot Pole... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 I saw "The Unknown Comic" at the 'Ice House" in Pasadena California with my Wife and a few co-workers around 1978 The Joke I remembered from that show was that: "My girlfriend is so ugly that her body is covered with bruises from people poking at her with 10 foot poles" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us must be the others... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danowood 2,167 Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 My Son was like: "I got a "D" in Math" I was like: " That's really bad" My Wife was like: " You need to stop doing his homework "... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Turning Vegan is a Big missed Steak... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 There are Old Bikers, there are Drunk Bikers but there are no Old Drunk Bikers... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dnspy007 1,475 Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Shortest Prostate Exam Ever.... During my prostate exam I asked the doctor .....Where should I put my pants? Over there by mine, was not the answer I was looking for. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarciaFan 293 Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Or... the prostate exam that just concluded, the nurse walks in as the Doctor leaves the room... and she asks you "who was that ?" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randog311 7,204 Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Our father died when we couldn't remember his Blood Type, when he uttered his last breaths he kept telling us to be positive... We miss him alot... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockster2U 668 Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 While walking down the street a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute before he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted." Vote wisely in November 2018. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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