dcl 3,173 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Counting down the top 15 jokes of Fringe 2016: 15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word." -- Phil Nicol 14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses." -- Zoe Lyons 13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer." -- Arthur Smith 12. "I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound." -- Roger Swift 11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first." -- Michelle Wolf 10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask." -- Jordan Brookes 9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" -- Annie McGrath 8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor." -- Adele Cliff 7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words." -- Gary Delaney 6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated." -- Tiff Stevenson 5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer... came second." -- Will Duggan 4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit." -- Mark Smith 3. "I've been happily married for four years -- out of a total of 10." -- Mark Watson 2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one..." -- Stuart Mitchell 1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart." -- Masai Graham 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danowood 2,167 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor! The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!" I woke up this morning for breakfast at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast all day. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted November 7, 2016 Share Posted November 7, 2016 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Dav-Em 335 Posted November 19, 2016 Share Posted November 19, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MORE CARVER'S PLEASE 99 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Dav-Em..... Love the avatar.....now that's funny MCP :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Dav-Em..... Love the avatar.....now that's funny MCP :-) Thanks. A special for the holiday. Tune in tomorrow for a slight change in the turkey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RodH 4,820 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Real titties is where its at Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soulofsound 40 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Good one Doh-R Love that turkey for dinner! LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions to which he answerers quite simply, but then she is speechless after being asked only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there: Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about three Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Reply: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: Where is your airplane? 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted December 15, 2016 Share Posted December 15, 2016 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dav-Em 335 Posted December 18, 2016 Share Posted December 18, 2016 A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!" 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonW. 41 Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 An olde but goodee.... RonW. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
compwaco 1,129 Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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