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Gene C, September 3, 2013 in Words
I met the woman of my dreams once, but I didn't know what to do with my wife.
The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.
May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Great Falls."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.
All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.
The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.. One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." I don't think I have ever heard of that one:, says the other cowboy, "what is it"?" "Well, its where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's - then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."
The Tomato Garden
An old gentleman lived alone in Kansas City. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard His only son, Vincent, who used to help him,
was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would
be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
4 hours ago, dcl said:
That reminds me of some of the community theater shows I've worked on...
The doctor told me that I have a 90% chance of death from my illness, but there is only a 10% chance of that.
Man, that Groucho was something.... what ever happened to him? I heard that he got sick.
On my gravestone, I want it to read, "I TOLD you I was sick."
Daddyjt, That is gold. It is even out of the reach of my best humor... Now if only the chain were just a bit short of the intended goal.
^ I assume this "trick" only used once per restaurant as otherwise, you will almost certainly get a well earned side of spit in your meal the 2nd time you eat there! Just say'n.
If you have ever sunburned the roof of your mouth, you could be a wino.
Man walks into the dental office for a multiple extraction. Dentist says, "Ok, this is going to be pretty painful, so I am giving you this pill to take." "What is it?" asks the man. "It totally erases your memory so you won't even remember the procedure." "Come to think of it, says the dentist, I want you to take this Viagra as well before the procedure." "Why is that Doc?" says the man. The dentist replies, "The way I see it, when I start, your gonna need something to hold on to."
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